Part of my issue with most people in my generation is the fear of failure and the need for instant gratification. People want results without putting the work in. But unfortunately, that isn't how it works and I can say that pretty confidently now. And, on top of that, success does not come because you "got it right" more than other people. Success usually happens because you were willing to fail, publicly and privately. I "failed" every day in graduate school because I took risks and I became a better actor and person because of it.

This isn't to say that I enjoyed it and cheered at the chance to be told to "Act better" (which happened way too often). At first, I felt ashamed to get something wrong or not do my best work because I felt like that was a reflection on who I am. I felt like I was supposed to get it right all the time or else I, as a person, was a failure. But once I got used to it, I realized that I actually wasn't failing, at all. I was just growing and learning. I couldn't appreciate the great work without the shitty work.

One of the beautiful things about an acting program, too, is that our failure is up and in front of people. We don't get to hide behind papers or textbooks or laptops, and sometimes not even costumes or lights or anything that is usually in a fully-produced show. We are just up there, in front of some sort of audience, with the text and our scene partner (and sometimes, literally naked). Making choices that are inherently a part of who we are, because we cannot separate who we are from our art. And it's just terrifying. But if you can do that every day, for two years, the "failure" starts to feel less and less scary, and more and more exciting. And important. Because you don't die. You leave the class or the performance and move onto the next thing. You go home and drink your tea or your glass of wine and read a book or cry or go to yoga or watch a shitty movie and deal with it. And the next day, you get up and do it all again, and every day you are a little better off because of it. And you will be able to take that skill to "get over it" beyond the classroom, and into one of the most competitive professional fields in the world. And you will be okay. 

And another note on failing. There isn't a finite amount of success and happiness in the world. Just because one person got the role or is in a great relationship or lost 5 lbs last month and you didn't doesn't mean you are a failure. Your path is not their path. Why do we constantly feel the need to compare ourselves to others?

This year has been tough because for the first time in awhile, I am having to be competitive. And I keep reminding myself that things are going to work out how they are supposed to. If I do my work, and everything I can to be the best I can be, it's out of my hands whether something works out or not. So why blame other people, who are just trying to find their way like me, when things don't happen the way I wanted?

Celebrate everyone's success. It isn't that hard. And it makes this career a little less painful.

Don't beat yourself up for eating cheese. Sleep in when you can sleep in. Give yourself full days off sometimes. Enjoy a glass of wine. Meditate often. Learn when saying "no" is a better option. Celebrate little wins.

xoxo