Well, another semester is coming to a close, and I have yet to write anything about my experience this semester. To be fair, I have been pretty busy, as anyone can imagine. But, mostly I felt like I have been in the middle of growth, and unable to really explain things I was learning or dealing with. With only one week left of the semester, I feel like I am in a better place to talk about what's been going on. So, a little expansion on some things I have learned over the past few months:

1. The minute I stop striving to grow and learn as an actor, is the minute I should stop acting. 

I was fortunate enough to go to a dress rehearsal of Peter Brook's "The Valley of Astonishment" at Theatre for a New Audience earlier this semester, and something he said really stuck with me. "The only night we should be working towards is closing night." His point being that just because a production goes into dress rehearsals, or opening night, or is in it's tenth week, does not mean it should stop evolving or growing. I think the same goes for being an actor. Everyday I learn something new about myself. The minute I become okay with my work - in a show, or in life - is the minute I should stop, because that means that I feel I have nothing more to say or learn.

I have been learning this the hard way over the course of the semester. One role, in particular, I sort of clicked with immediately, so I stopped putting in the work to push it further. I stopped trying to re-new what I originally found, and relied on the fact that I fell into the role pretty easily. I realized a little too late that I was doing something wrong, and the role was becoming general and weak, because I wasn't pushing myself every single time to discover something new.

I am starting to realize that I will never be satisfied with what I do. But that doesn't mean I won't love every minute of it.

2. Who I am in life will always be a part of who I am on stage.

I guess this is something all of us realize at some point. And I have known this for a long time. But I am starting to realize just how exhausting and demanding it can be - but also, how important it is because that is what will set me apart from other people. As actors, we always end up dipping into personal experiences to help us inform our characters and the stories we are telling. We can't escape it. And it's something I have been learning how to manage since high school. But this semester, I have started to learn that it isn't about calling up my past experiences or current experiences or whatever, and using them once and burying them again, only to have to call them up at some point in the future.

For me, it's about learning how to have my past, present, and future a part of me at all times - so that I am completely available and able to shift from moment to moment in an affective and healthy way for whatever story I am currently telling. Which, I am learning, means being total open and vulnerable to who I am - not being ashamed of the things that have shaped who I am, and not being ashamed of the way I feel at any given time. Keeping myself available for anything that comes up in my day-to-day life, so that I can have that same availability on stage. By doing this, I am learning how to handle any big things that do come up, and still have clear intentions on stage, which is not easy. This is not something that I have mastered at all - it feels like it will be a constant evolving process. But understanding this idea is giving me the confidence that when I step on stage, I really will be enough.

Some of my favorite quotes about this idea and more from the lovely Andrea Haring:
"The lovely thing is being able to be a mess, and still have clear thoughts."
"Just because you are feeling things, doesn't mean you can collapse."
"Don't be collapsed by the emotions, be energized by the emotions."
"You want to feel, but you don't want to sentimentalize it."
"You have to know what you stand for, what you believe in, so you can defend a character's belief system."
"We have to be a very large vessel for uncomfortability."

3. Being frustrated is a good thing.

The more I go through this program, the more I realize that being frustrated means I am coming up against a big block, which is GOOD. My biggest periods of growth have come out of the times when I want to hide in a box for a week or throw something against a wall. So many times I have thought to myself "What the FUCK am I doing?", but pushing through that has usually led me to breaking through something that was holding me back from my potential. I am learning more and more "to be interested" in the times when I am resisting something - an exercise, a scene, even a teacher - because it usually means I need that thing more than others. This is teaching me how to deal with my frustration in a healthier way, too - it isn't causing me to be unnecessarily stressed out about stuff that I can't control, which is an issue that I generally have.

4. It's okay to take time for myself.

Part of grad school is always being stressed, tired, and too busy to really think. We have class 40 hours a week, plus rehearsals and homework on top of all that, and maybe some outside projects if we are feeling ambitious. But this semester, I have gone out of my way to make sure that I am taking care of myself mentally and physically, and I feel like I am doing better work because of it. There is a fine line, of course, between being lazy and taking care of myself, but a healthy amount of "me" time has been invaluable. At the beginning of the semester, my class talked about how different we all seemed after four months off - more confident, less crazy, and the work at school seemed less daunting. I learned then how important it is to do the work, but then let the work go and trust that is it there. To always do my homework, and make sure I am keeping my body, voice work, etc. in shape, of course - but sometimes a night off is more valuable than drilling my lines or my intention or image work. It's amazing what my subconscious is capable of - and also, what 8 real hours of sleep can do for my well-being. I am only hurting myself by working myself to exhaustion - I have learned to give myself breaks now and then, and I have a feeling this will be important to know when I have graduated. I also think this is important for everybody. Learn how to actually relax, and have a life outside of your career.

5. Be selfish.

Acting is a business. Theatre is a business. While being kind to everyone I meet is, of course, lovely, I also have to learn how to stand up for myself and what I want for myself. I am not great with confrontation - but I am discovering more and more that pushing for what I want for my career and future means sometimes stepping on other people and yes, dealing with confrontation. I am learning the hard way that not everybody will like me or my art, and that's okay. I used to get so distraught if somebody didn't like me. But unfortunately, I have had my share of people disliking me over the past semester, and year, and I'm still here and actually doing better than ever. So, it's okay to be selfish and push for what I want for myself, even if it that means making a few enemies in the process. New York is a tough city, and nobody will notice me here if I'm not willing to make them notice me. It's definitely okay to disagree on what is and is not good theatre or film or acting - nobody ever made a difference by "kind of" having an opinion.

Also, a favorite quote by Michael Sexton, who is doing Shakespeare with us this semester:
"It is better to be desired than to be liked on stage."


And I guess that about sums it up for now! I am sure I will be posting more once the semester is over. :)

xo
brynne